


The Yolo Incident

by crashlea8



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alpha Scott McCall, Amnesia, Awkwardness, Crack, Derek POV, Fluff, M/M, Magical Shenanigans, Malec, Road Trip, Sassy Peter, Sassy Peter Hale, Wolf Derek, Wolf Derek Hale, non popculture savvy derek, sterek
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-08 11:52:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1939995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crashlea8/pseuds/crashlea8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Stiles picks derek up in the middle of nowhere no questions asked because that just the sort of...Oh my god what is he wearing! DEREK WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?! I cant even right now Derek.</p><p>Or the one where Derek wakes up in the middle of the forest naked with ke$ha screaming in his ear.</p><p>A possible interlude to a longer more convoluted variety of fluff and hilarity....if people like it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dude...

**Author's Note:**

> So this is just a short little word vomit that I had to get out of my head in the middle of the night. You know how it is. I really just wanted an awkward hilarious car ride where Derek is adorably unsavvy into the ways of the popculture unidom. There shall be more if people dig it including the story as to how derek came to be in this situation and how stiles came to rescue...again.

Present Day

"Stiles!"  
Derek’s chiding tone and particularly glowery glarey eyebrows break Stiles out of his completely subtle ,not at all obvious gaping stare. Stiles snaps his jaw shut in a totally inaudible way. There’s no way the other man had heard. The werewolf man. The werewolf man, a foot away from him, in his car. Yeah he heard. Okay, so maybe the jaw snapping wasn’t necessary but the gaping? Oh, the gaping was necessary.

"For Gods sake Stiles what?!

Stiles started unaware that he’d even pulled his focus back to Derek, he just clears his throat ,shakes his head and refocuses on the road: splaying his fingers on the steering wheel clenching and unclenching them in an effort to restrain himself.He felt his gaze slip sideways again only to snap immediately back when met with Derek's frustrated glare.

"What?!"

Stiles throws his arm out comically,his mouth opening and closing .

Derek frowns at the flailing teen. Steeling himself with a sigh for a convoluted long winded explanation that would no doubt end in the history of tea cozies or sporks or something.

"We’ve been in worst situations than this. What is it? I’m not even bleeding to death all over your clean seats." Derek groans impatient of waiting.

Stiles recovered himself holding up a finger.  
“That , is an excellent point. However , this” he gestures at Derek in his entirety “is so not okay!..I mean ..just…what even..I can’t..what is even happening right now!”

Derek frowns at him confused, what about him merits Stiles pulling his own hair ,clawing his face and slapping himself (though that may have been a flailing induced accident).  
He slowly raises each of his arms in turn and twists around in his seat checking for any maiming, marking or general offensive oozing.Not finding a trigger he raises his eyebrows at Stiles while making a questioning wellwhatthefuckeven? Movement with his arms.

Stiles looks at him like he’s been thrust into an alternate universe and sufferingly pinches the bridge of his nose whilst facing the heavens.  
“Your shirt.” He chokes out.

What’s wrong with his shirt Derek thinks as he experimentally plucks it away from his chest. It’s not as clingy or revealing as the Henleys he usually wears: which Stiles says ‘offend his delicate sensibilities’, but predictably buys him every year for his birthday. Derek frowns and surreptitiously sniffs himself.Nope.

Stiles looks back over at him after composing himself sufficiently to offer an explanation.

"Your shi….are you wearing sweatpants?!This isn’t real! My inability to even right now dude!"

"What?" Derek says defensively "I wear sweatpants."

"Dude no! You wear leather and v necks and jeans and combat boots.This," he gestures at all of Derek again."Is not okay!Something nefarious is definitely afoot!"

Derek frowns in confusion again.

"Derek,man. Your shirt says YOLO!"  
Stiles exclaims as he gesticulates wildly at it.”Hashtag YOLO even.” He emphasizes ,”Just,what even ?” He asks looking to the bewildered clueless man next to him.


	2. Glitter?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Earlier that day:  
> Derek wakes up confused. Now this wasn’t by any means an uncommon occurrence but more often he wakes up angry or frustrated, or, in the act of dream throttling his Uncle,or Scott or Stiles –yeah Derek’s a bit of a fan of the throttling and general violent pushing-. This confused was unusual as he didn’t normally wake up completely disoriented in the middle of the woods…naked, with a cell phone blaring Ke$ha’s Dinosaur in his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got some hits and some love. Thank you, by the way, you awesome people..of sexy. Thus I decided to roll with it..also I'm outrageously lacking in extracurriculars at the moment. Here it is my pride and joy, Derek naked in the woods.  
> Also swearing. Youve been warned.

                **Earlier That  Day**

  Derek woke up confused. Now this wasn’t by any means an uncommon occurrence but more often he woke up angry, or frustrated or in the act of dream throttling his Uncle,or Scott or Stiles –yeah Derek’s a bit of a fan of the throttling and general violent pushing-. This confused was unusual as he didn’t normally wake up completely disoriented in the middle of the woods…naked, with a cell phone blaring Ke$ha’s Dinosaur in his ear. Derek hates being confused and its less to do with his state of mind than it is that Laura once told him he looked adorable when he was confused, Peter had said “Oh, he’s confused? I thought he was constipated. Huh.”

  
He groaned as he rolled onto his side goddamn it Stiles not again! Every time Derek left his phone unattended the contacts would be almost indecipherable, they made perfect sense to Stiles though.  
With half his face smushed into the earth and leaves he read :

  
 **Uncle looks good in a v-neck psychotic creeper wolf ;p** calling

  
       Derek frowned reading the caller id with one eye open. He moved his lips as he read but promptly got distracted by the caller id image. Yep that was his uncles nipple. He let his arm fall back into the dirt relieving himself of the image of his uncle lifting his shirt up to expose himself. What had happened last night?! Because that image definitely hadn’t been there yesterday and Derek was definitely not accustomed to this heavy headed why is everything so bright feeling. He was pretty sure he hadn’t had anything to drink last night. He was a bit of a control freak like that. Nothing else in his life ever seemed to go the way he wanted so at least he had power of what went into his body .Not that the alcohol would do much what with his wolf metabolism and all.  
He was interrupted from his musings by a chorus of :

  
“Hey ass butt! Hey ass butt!” Reverberating from his left hand.

  
    He couldn’t help himself from snorting into the dirt. He had to commend Stiles dedication to the cause. Before they had coerced Lydia into translating the bestiary Stiles had made them all marathon watch “The font of all supernatural fanged , clawed and otherwise freakily inclined beasty knowledge,”: Supernatural.

Despite Peter’s initial protests especially when there'd been werewolf episodes:

“This is ridiculous!”

“I’m more partial to the groin myself, much tenderer.”

“The stench of pubescent Teenagers is never going to come out of the cushions!”

“Derek! Kindly tell your boyfriend that this couch is worth more than his pathetic excuse for a car and if he doesn't stop lounging upside down on it like a bat I’m going to throw him off the balcony!”

“THAT IS MAHOGANY SCOTT!”

He loved the show. Not even pretending to hide it anymore. Derek  had caught him watching it alone in the loft one day, there wasn’t even an idle death threat, just a  
“This angel character is as socially and pop culturally inept as you! HA!” and this coming from a man who had been ...socially removed for 6 years.

  
Derek lifted his head to check the messages from his Uncle, bits off decomposing leaves imbedded in his cheek.

  
                                              **You have 1 Voicemail message from Uncle looks good in a v-neck psychotic creeper wolf ;p .**

  
   He sighed wearily as he pressed the button to access his voicemail.

  
     “De- why is Stiles on your..? You know what, I don’t care just so long as I’m not Oldman sexy anymore.”

  
Derek grinned at his disgruntled tone. The last time Peter had witnesses the results -pertaining to him and specifically his oldness -of one of Stiles acts of spontaneous creative assholery he had gone out and bought skinny jeans.

  
    “I’m not OLD!” Peter’s voice growled in his ear . Snickering Derek attempted to sit up and immediately deemed that not a good idea, rolling onto his back instead to escape the uncomfortable sensation of sticks and leaves digging into his intimates.

"I do spontaneous young things... Hahaha that was totally unintentional! did you get that Derek? I bet you didn't... Grow a funny bone you square." Derek groaned at that.

"I even helped do some of your contacts.. man I'm on a roll today! I bet you didnt get that either" Derek sneered as he heard his Uncles weary sigh before he continued.

  
       “Anyway, I’m calling in the hopes that you are in fact dead, and not frolicking in the woods with your dick in the wind.”

  
  Derek’s body jolted into a sitting position, his legs splayed as he groaned and grabbed his head looking around warily.

  
  “I found a rather offensive article of clothing at our old domicile atop a stick jutting from the ruins like some sort of perverted mountaineers flag: they reek of exuberant defiance Derek. What on earth did you get up to last night after I left? I sincerely hope this stick isn’t the one you finally managed to remove from its cozy home jammed up your…I’m almost out of minutes. Call me to confirm your naked exuberant exploits, ignore for imminent death from boredom. Love you!”

  
Derek lowered the phone and shook his head at it thumbing through to the message his uncle had sent him.  
He sank his head into his palm, how on earth had this happened?.

  
The phone started going black from the image of his uncle grinning and waving,-yes they were his underwear, Oh god- around on a stick like a flag. Derek glanced from between his fingers and gasped running a panicked finger across the screen to bring it back to life, yep, that was a group message, fuck shit ass tit crap balls twatting mole! He scrolled down to read the message under the image.

                                                   ‘A party favour from nephew dearest. One pair of worn Calvin Kleins and the stick he rode in on. Available on Craigslist this afternoon,alternatively all interested parties can enquire within. Lets keep this party rolling! Loft 9pm.’

Derek’s face distorted as his ran one of his hands forcefully down to his chin scrolling to the recipients with his other. They read:

**-Not a Winchester**

**-Scott’s Scarf wearing Girlfriend**

**-Murder Lizard**

**-DR Obi wan –Yoda- Giles**

**-Rainman of technology ..and gayness**

**-Former master mistress of my passion ( harbinger of death and sexiness)**

**-Puppydog eyed man buffy**

**-Nonfangedthinksheshilariousfatherofmypuppiessavesmybuttalotguy ( Thanks peter but you forgot of sexy)**

**-Cutey Mclove stuffins (of badassery ;p)**

**-Malia (really?)(fine) I don’t like you if I’m calling I’m probably in danger…better answer.(that’s better) of sexy (hahaha good grass hopper)(what)(*Sighs*)**

**-I resort to violence and maiming, answer my fucking calls.**

**-B1 formerly of B1 and B2 ( that may be in poor taste stiles)**

**-Not Daredevil wolf**

**-Magic glitter guy of sexy**

**-Broody tattoo guy..of sexy**

**-Hilarious tattoo guy. God of sexy.**

**-Nurse sexy (gross dude! Peter says hi)**

Derek rolled his eyes, it was a goddamn conspiracy and they were all in on it. He resisted the urge to throw his phone away; realistically he had no clue where he was. All he could smell was damp earth, pine needles and decomposing leaves. He sighed resigning himself to the damsel in distress role for another time too many hovering over (what he assumed was) Stiles ID before looking down at himself.

“Fuckers.”

There was no way he was proving his uncle right or, allowing his bunch asshole friends the satisfaction of seeing him like this.  
He pressed his phone into darkness and palmed it as he unsteadily climbed to his feet. The world heaved a bit as he righted himself but stabilised after blinking. He raised a hand to rub his eyes clear focusing on his grubby palms.

“Glitter!!”

He Furiously swiped his palm on his torso

“..What the shit?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God If I could only apply my witticisms to real life. Alas I'm socially inept and my sassy wording is construed as being an asshole, oh well haha.  
> Hit me up with some love yall.
> 
> xo thanks lovelies.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek re-affirms that all his friend are assholes and apparently he ran around and around in curcles last night like a crazy person.  
> Furious facepalm of frustration and fangs. Derek hates alliteration, but, he hates his choice in friends more.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **Puppydog eyed man buffy** :

DUDE ! BRO! I’m so in.

**Uncle looks good in a v-neck psychotic creeper wolf ;p :**

Scott please don’t Dude or otherwise Bro me.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Derek’s a rational thinking being, even if his phone is producing a distracting cacophony of noises as his so called friends- he guesses that’s the appropriate name for the motley gang of people and supernatural beings he surrounds himself with-bicker with each other and laugh at his predicament, so the first thing he does is try to retrace his steps. Phone gripped tightly in his palm he sniffs at the air following his own scent and trying to get a sense of his emotional state or intent. He sets off at a brisk jog following his nose, yeah he’s passed that tree twice, he finds himself going around and around in circles. What the fuck was wrong with him last night. He sighs loudly rubbing a hand over his face and glaring at his other one as it howls and assbuttts at him. Who in the hell runs around in circles, naked, in the middle of the forest. Grr, him apparently. He closes his eyes sniffing experimentally. Ugh, he wrinkles his nose in distaste. Hysteria, joy, panic. What the actual hell past Derek what were you doing? He looks around and exhales in a huff of frustration out his nose and picks a direction. Looking down at his phone he resigns himself to wandering aimlessly in a random direction, relying on his wolfy instincts to not walk headfirst into a tree. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 **Hilarious tattoo guy, god of sexy** :

Yeah our friend Simon became a rat once.

**Puppydog eyed man buffy:**

No way that’s some Harry potter shit right there!

**Broody tattoo guy..of sexy:**

Like you can talk Jace, you once ran down the street naked convinced you had antlers.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jace who the hell was Jace. Derek presses the heel of his hand into his forehead in an attempt to squeeze some cohesion out of his clearly delusional skull.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 **Hilarious tattoo guy, god of sexy** :

Well who was I 2 deny the world the gloriousness that is my body. It obviously just couldn’t be contained.

 **Broody tattoo guy..of sexy** :

Yeah,okay.

**Rainman of technology ..and gayness:**

Plz tell me there’s video. If not date, time and location are all I need to access your “gloriousness”.

 **Hilarious tattoo guy, god of sexy** :

I’m flattered.

**Nonfangedthinksheshilariousfatherofmypuppiessavesmybuttalotguy ( Thanks peter but you forgot of sexy):**

Puhlease Danny I don’t need to be a genius to know you’re on craigslist right now.

 **Rainman of technology ..and gayness** :

….i hate you.

**Former master mistress of my passion ( harbinger of death and sexiness):**

Ahahaha owned! By the way guys I’m totally winning nap bingo. Looky what I got last night.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Derek groans inwardly at the idiocy of it all. His friends had devised an on-going game where the first person to get an image of each of the group “napping” (read passed out in the middle of group activities) wins the groups decision making rights and some ridiculous title until the foreseeable future where they commit a party foul. There were some ridiculous clauses and convoluted rules that Derek wanted no part of. He took a grounding breath to steel himself against what he suspected he’d find when he scrolled to the image.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Former master mistress of my passion ( harbinger of death and sexiness):**

Two in one bitches!

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Derek and Stiles were passed out on what is that?.. a couch? Stiles head curved over Derek’s shoulder his mouth gaping open, probably drooling all over Derek’s Henley. Derek scrutinises his own face resting on top of Stiles head. He was smiling stupidly in his sleep. SMILING. He was so focused on the two of them practically wrapped up in one another that he’d barely noticed the other three people in the photo. Oh god, Scott, of course he would, honestly Derek’s not even surprised. He actually snorts out loud in amusement and reflexively shiftily glances around to ensure that any witnesses can be *terminator voice* exterminated. He rolls his eyes at his own idiocy, right Derek middle of the stinking forest: that rabbit’s totally eyeballing you, better give it a beat down. He looks back to his palm where a slightly wolfed out Scott is pulling an obscene face, tongue out as he grips Derek’s shoulders pretending to mount him. At least Derek really hopes he was pretending for the sake of photographic amusement. He may be amused now but he would definitely make the pretence of reaming him out later. He shakes his head, still smiling and tramping through the forest thinking it was nice that everyone can finally let loose but  he comes to an abrupt halt as a predatory snarl erupts.

He was looking down at the image focusing on the image of Stiles and the man next him when the noise startled him as it echoed through the forest; startling the birds from their nearby roosts. Derek immediately crouches into a defensive position, simultaneously making himself a smaller target and bracing his legs for and an explosive burst of power if necessary. The woods are resoundingly silent, his eyes fail to detect any threat as he swings around . He focuses his ears to detect movement or a heartbeat ..or anything. He pauses opening his eyes again.huh. nothing. Warily he raises himself from his crouch giving the area a second sweep. He frowns slightly and rubs at his stubble when it comes up clear again, what the fuck was that all about. He looks around to orient himself and keep wandering in the same direction thanking his wolfy metabolism for keeping him warm. Satisfied that there are no nasty creatures-well nastier than himself – lurking about he looks back at the image he had been inspecting and almost crushes the sleek piece of technology as what he sees makes him convulsively clench his fist. He stops himself in surprise. What the hell Derek?! He tries to shrug off the image of his uncle lasciviously smirking at the camera pretending – he was definitely pretending!- to tease Stiles ear with his tongue.

He tore himself from that disturbing image and everything became clear…ish. MAGNUS! Of course this was all his fault, he’d spiked Derek’s drink at the house party. Derek had only really gone as a gesture of good will to the warlock and hunters and this is what he gets for it. Naked in the middle of nowhere with way too much incriminating evidence of a night he doesn’t remember and his underwear being used as a flag. Great. The man in the pictures yellow eyes were alight with mischief- and more than a little silver glitter- as he smiled over his pink drink, surveying the party.


	4. You're welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day before Derek wakes up naked and some back info on magnus and Alec for those who havent read TMI.  
> Alec HATES parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Hey Hey!  
> Aside from Stiles Magnus is my favourite character to write. He's lived so long he understands that dignity is stupid and for people who care too much about what others think.  
> That being said enjoy this mother flipping piece of crazy yoh!

The day before:  
Alec comes in through the door and throws his leathers onto the entrance stand. Yawning he moves past his lazy boyfriend on the way to the fridge in their new apartment; their new apartment that looks disturbingly exactly like their old one. Alec gapes spinning around.  
“Is this our apartment?  
“Obviously .” Magnus replies with little intonation flicking a finger with a tiny spark to turn the page of his magazine.  
“How hard is it to actually just turn the page!” Alec says exasperated, Magnus just grins. “And you know that’s not what I meant. This is exactly your apartment from new York isn’t it? They weren’t even the same size!” Magnus just shrugs nonchalantly but his expression is smug amusement.  
Alec had a difficult enough time when Magnus produced coffees out of nothingness- meaning he magically liberated them from some hapless barista while their back was turned-moving their whole apartment all the way from New York to Beacon Hill was beyond excessive, especially considering he must have broken physics into a million pieces to achieve it; this apartments definitely smaller on the outside. Magnus was clearly overly pleased with himself Alec felt a need to deflate him a bit.  
“Your hair looks flat today.”  
Magnus’s cats eyes narrow as he shoots Alec a scathing look before turning another page. “Please my magic singlehandedly built the pyramids, my hair is flawless. As always.”  
Alec almost spits out the apple hes just bitten into as he laughs. “Liar,” he says affectionately ruffling Magnus’s hair as he moves back past him again. Magnus makes an indignant noise but true to his word his hair magically reassembles itself into a perfect coiffe. The warlock makes a pleased so there sound before sticking his tongue out as his annoying boyfriend, “ by the way, we’re throwing a housewarming tonight.”  
Alec pauses mid bite and looks in horror over his shoulder but Magnus has started reading again. The teen viciously bites his apple stomping to his bedroom. He hates parties. He understands though the need to make connections with the local downworlder/supernaturally inclined and informed community. Since the Argents’ had left the city without any hunter presence to run supernatural enforcement and mediation. Most cities would be fine on their own but due to the magical ley lines and geometric fields there is an unnaturally high concentration of supernatural beings in Beacon Hill. The clave –the worldwide magical enforcement organisation – deemed it high risk enough to transfer Alec from the institute in New York. Magnus refused to stay in New York playing the pathetic pining boyfriend, though his official reason for forcing co-habitation on them both was that he feared Alec would fall back into his pattern of horrendous brown sweaters and sulking oh and he also wanted to check out this true Alpha phenomenon. Alec had argued that Magnus could just portal himself there whenever he wanted to which his boyfriend had cheekily winked and said ‘now Alec that’s illegal what do you think I am some sort of amoral rebel with fantastic hair? And you, the perpetrator! Tut tut your parents will think I’m corrupting you.”  
Apparently being the high warlock of Brooklyn could be done by correspondence, Alec snorts I wonder if anyone else knows this? More than likely Magnus has left a note on their door saying something along the lines of:  
Currently suffering THE hangover of death and destruction and if you even think about disturbing me by knocking on this damn door be warned that is magically spelled to burn your eye brows off and give you indefinite facial alopecia. Good luck growing that hipster beard now.  
If you're dying feel free to swing me a text or other correspondence that doesn’t actually require me to physically be around you.  
You're welcome  
Magnus Bane.

Thank god Jace was coming this afternoon so at least Magnus wouldn’t be the most sarcastic in the room. Also seeing as he was sans clary (his girl-friend) Alec feels confident that he can persuade the blonde to lurk against the wall with him, because knowing Magnus he would be probably be pantsless and riding an alpha wolf like a valiant steed or doing some sort of ridiculous rendition of a rocky horror scene.Doing both at the same time wasn't that far fetched either. Gods. Jace had been his best -and Magnus would argue, only- friend since they were children when Alec’s family had adopted him after he’d been orphaned. They were a tight knit community; the hunters and orphaned children were not uncommon. Since then they’ve trained together, fought together and slain thousands of otherworldly nasties together, lets just ignore the fact that Alec had convinced himself he'd been in love with Jace for years because that was so irrellevant. Jace was also marginally less likely than Magnus to get shitfaced and drink one of Magnus’s “cocktails”(read: unpredictable potions of ridiculousness) then proceed to hallucinate and run around naked in the woods for 12 hours. Alec rubbed his face wearily, how was this his life. He musings were only re-affirmed when Magnus's cat chairman meow skittered into the room, -now a shocking shade of pink- with his staturesque boyfriend in hot pursuit; holding what Alec could only assume was some sort of sparkly sequined disco suit...For cats. By the angel he groans as he flops onto the bed and covers his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !  
> In the next few chapters we'll get into how Derek acquired his ridulous clothes, what happened ast the party and why his underwear were acting as a flag.
> 
> Crash x.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek's "finds" some clothes....what the hell is a YOLO.

Derek has spent the last few miles trying not to think about his possesive reaction to Stiles being molested by his uncle, distracting himself by calling the flamboyant warlock every curse word under the sun. He groans loudly and smacks his phone against his forehead. Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, his phone beeps at him with a low battery warning. So he has approximately 10 minutes before he caves and calls Stiles , who he was 95% sure had some sort of gps locator locked onto his phone. That’s just the sort of relationship that they have. Derek considers it and grins it doesn’t stop Stiles from falling off his chair, or his bed, or on his ass every time Derek comes in his window. Though Stiles refers to it as Derek ‘Edward Cullen-ing’ him, like he has any idea what that’s supposed to mean.  
He’s hovering over the contact information where Stiles contact information shows **Nonfangedthinksheshilariousfatherofmypuppiessavesmybuttalotguy ( Thanks peter but you forgot of sexy)** and an image of a butt mooning him. He's totally missing the innuendo that is his thumb hovering over Stiles butt when he pick up voices.  
“Dude! How much farther? My high-tops are going to be totalled!”  
“Chill out man we can’t just walk an hour from our car and still deem this an ‘authentic’ camping experience.”  
“This is bogus dude there’s insects EVERYWHERE.”  
“It’s outside, duh, what did you expect? I’m telling you bro camping is so in. Hashtag save the trees and all that.”  
“My skinny jeans are chafing man.”  
Oh god Derek thinks he’d rather stay wandering in the forest naked than ask these two for help. He’s focusing so intently on this voices that his inner wolf rubs its hands together in glee and lets him hook a foot under a protruding tree root. Derek flails his arms in a manner enviable of Stiles but for naught as he topples headfirst over an embankment. After tumbling innumerable times he attempts to orient himself and finds that he is upside down on his back with his balls in the air and leg by his ear. He groans, why does shit like this always happen it’s like fate is a sick writer who enjoys having him shirtless and tortured ( oh Derek if only you knew :P) not to mention his inner wolf. The fates and his wolf can suck his dick, assholes. The ridiculous pair whom he’d heard whining like morons earlier are staring at him in shock and clutching at each other. Derek attempts to roll over, which ends up with him exposing waaay more of himself than he’s comfortable with. Apparently the duo agree if the noises of disgust are anything to go by.  
The one in the yellow skinny jeans and ruined high-tops suddenly pushes his friend away and punches him on the arm but is grinning like a loon.  
“YOU DICK!” He say as he punches him then looks around wildly. “Where are the cameras?! This is totally some prank show right?.”  
The other of the pair rubs his arm and looks at his friend a bit reproachfully as he adjusts his glasses.”Ow dude, No!” He says before looking back to Derek with wide eyes as if he’s had some sort of huge epiphany. “DUDE! He’s totally escaped from like, some sort of secret government facility !”  
Skinny jeans Derek decides to refer to him as stares at Derek who is getting up off his knees and glaring. He looks back to glasses squinting in concentration and snaps his fingers trying to prompt his thought. His eyes fly open and he points a triumphant finger as he yells “ WOLVERINE! BRO YES!” He heaves his backpack off one shoulder and begins frantically digging through it. Glasses is becoming increasingly uncomfortable under Derek’s penetrating glare and general state of filth of nudity. He nudges skinny jeans with an insistent elbow.  
“What dude?” Skinny jeans grumbles, fishing his iPhone out of his bag, “I’ve totally gotta tweet this!”  
Derek flashes his eyes menacingly and glasses gulps banging his friend urgently until irritated SJ takes his attention from his I-Phone. “What?!” he says glaring before taking in his friends horrified expression and following his gaze. He looks at the very large very naked man in front of him just as Derek rolls his head and shifts into his beta form; he’s so fed up with their inane chatter and general ridiculousness. He flicks his claws out deliberately.  
The pair stare wide-eyed standing stock still until Derek takes a forceful step forward snarling viciously. The pair yelps in unison Skinny Jeans automatically throwing his phone and back pack at Derek screaming. They’re scrambling and slipping in their haste to get away. Derek smiles happily, shaking away his caveman brow and 70’s sideburns; he retracts his bag lady claws and approaches the abandoned backpack. He barks a laugh as he hears skinny in the distance shouting at his friend. “I told you man! I told you! That was some Wolverine BULLSHIT!”  
Derek’s chuckling and giving a turtle faced nod, he had to hand it to them sans government facility it was actually a pretty accurate assumption. Naked wolf man in the woods with no memory of how he got there, he had to give them that. He almost immediately regrets his commendations as he sorts through the bag: Cheetos, a bright red pair of skinny jeans, an oversized beanie. He pulls out a shirt and holds it up to inspect it. What the shit is a YOLO?  
He shrugs and throws it over his shoulder, it’d fit better than any of Stiles shirts anyway. He half considers chasing after glasses to steal his pants because there is no fricking way he’s going to be caught dead in red skinny jeans especially by Stiles. He heaves a sigh of relief as he finds a pair of sweatpants rolled up in the bottom of the bag around a bottle of peach schnapps. Oh god what were they teenage girls? He snorts in amused disgust but takes the bottle anyway. Once he’s dressed he trots over to where he fell to look for his phone. He curses he’s so called “innate” sense of balance and grace, relieved when he finds it’s still alive, just. He looks over his shoulder grinning, praising the idiots. He picks up the stud covered I-phone aka the shittiest weapon known to man. Yes no lock! Triumphantly he tries to bring up apple maps or google maps or anything praying that the hipsters get better service than him in the middle of nowhere, but, to no avail. He grrs in frustration and types in Stiles number from his own phone, cursing the ridiculous tiny numbers, He frowns as he considers that he should probably just follow the two morons, but, they’d ran in almost the complete opposite direction to where they’d came from and were likely as turned around as he was. He sighs in weary acceptance as he presses the call button.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • Hey guys Thanks for reading! Poor Derek mwahahahah !  
> I got the inspiration for the two guys and their reactions from a hilarious prank video online that you should totally watch if you want to laugh even harder at the hipster antics.
> 
>  
> 
> Derek hates iPhone and their tiny tiny buttons , I do too and so does Orny Adaams who plays coach Finstock on Teen wolf he even has a segment in his stand up show Orny takes the third devoted to how much he hates them. Check it out I almost wet myself in laughter!. Heres a compilation of some of his stuff take a look :)  
> 


	6. hey...fuck you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek endures a lengthy lecture about how only dudebros swagtards and justin beiber mother bitches wear Hashtags or YOLO on their person and the combination is an atrocity to man-kind.  
> Also Peters pissed at him and uses big words he doesnt undersand...whats new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the prolonged absence ! my muse has been busy with window etiquette :)  
> Hopefully this slice of delicious crazy pie will placate. If not hey relax guy, buddy .  
> enjoy ....

Derek slumps in his seat relieved to finally be approaching home after enduring a lengthy lecture about how unless you were a self-entitled Justin Beiber mother bitch or in an entirely ironic circumstance -that is almost guaranteed not to exist, ever, except to people that use the term irony wrong- it is NEVER appropriate to wear an item that has a hash tag or YOLO on it and the combination of both is just beyond embarrassing.  
Derek had argued that he needed to be clothed in case someone happened upon him, he’d endured way too much embarrassment and shirtlessness in his life thank you very much. As well as all those murder charges he really didn’t need indecent exposure on his rap sheet. Stiles had just laughed and said there was not a circumstance in the world where it would be inappropriate for Derek to be shirtless. Derek quirked a brow and to prove his point lifted the stupid shirt to reveal an expanse of perfect abdomen causing Stiles to gape and swerve sharply while cursing. He cleared his throat embarrassed and returned his eyes to the road giving Derek shifty side glances as he licked his lips.  
“ I concede sir that is an excellent point.” Stiles had said somewhat loftily but grinned at him.  
Derek just smiled smug, he was always pleased with the effect he had on Stiles but it would still be one hell of a relief to go back to his loft and bathe and generally be his surly self as he engineered an appropriate punishment for the enigmatic warlock who was obviously responsible.

The pair are still bickering as they enter the loft, Stiles automatically slamming the alarm buzzer off out of habit.

Derek was relaying to Stiles what he remembered and stopped just short of punching himself in the head trying to force his brain to cooperate.

"Derek, man" Stiles says shaking his head and feigning seriousness, "you drank the coolaide"  
Derek looks confused his mouth drops open slightly in question. His brows draw slightly together; being confused makes Derek angry, and frustrated, one of his more wolfy neolithic responses.

"Seriously man? Are you even human ? It's funny !" He insists flailing slightly as he comes up with an explanatory comparison snapping as he lands on "uh,like.. you partook of the fruit.."  
Derek pulls another face.

Stiles sighs. "You scraped your wallflower wolf butt off the broody shadowed wall and actually joined in on the party. You socialized. " He grins" I'd say this is the culmination of a good time." He gestures to Derek's filthy bare feet, the too short sweat pants and the ridiculous Yolo shirt sniggering as he says this.

Derek crosses his arms moodily and hmmphs. "I'm never drinking the coolaide again."

Stiles cackles with laughter.  
"It wasn't all bad though right. Am I right? Heh? heh?" Stiles jest jabbing Derek repeatedly with his elbow. Derek shoves him away making him laugh and stumble. Stiles waggles his eyebrows at him ridiculously from a safe distance.   
Derek makes a frustrated sound and rubs his eyes. "Did you forget the part where I have no memory of what happened last night."

"..oh. Right." Stiles says somewhat morosely as he looks at his feet and wrings his hands  
Derek looks up, startled by the forlorn tone of Stiles voice, he opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by a harsh  
"Nope! Nuh-ah.. "As his uncle descends the stairs.  
Peter is waving his hands in a definite: no bingo, this shit will not be tolerated way. Stiles chokes back on his laughter and settles for doubling over and silently wheezing. Peter ignores him. Obviously. He stops just shy of invading Derek's personal space and jabs him in the chest.

"You need to change."  
Derek frowns, because yeah obviously but why was he making such a huge deal out of it. It dawns on him when Peter uncrosses his arms and reveals the #yolo emblazoned tightly across his chest. Derek groans.  
Stiles points at them disbelievingly, outrageously amused and wheezes "Twins Bazil!" Before collapsing on the floor in hysterics. Both men give him an unimpressed glare, Peter finessing it by flipping Stiles off.  
"You need to change Derek" he repeats crossly. 

"Like in general because I kind of like being moody and detached from society ."  
Peter growls and cuffs him on the head causing Derek to grin.

"You shirt. You need to change your shirt. It just looks stupid."

Derek looks pointedly at his uncles chest and says "I agree."

"I can only wear it because it's ironic and I'm exceptionally witty and hilarious and attractive and because I've died!" Peter sasses as if that’s all the explanation anyone should need.

Derek raises a brow at him.

"Do you get it?" Peter asks eyes alight with mischief..and superiority.

Stiles wheezing laughter becomes more hysterical.

"No Peter." Derek grits out. "I don't get it."

"I've died and it's ironic that I'm wearing this shirt because it stands for you only live once ....and I've died" he reiterates on seeing Derek's blank face.  
"You look like a douche bag." Peter says finally huffing in irritation . 

Stiles rolls around even more violently   
.  
Derek throws his hands up in frustration and exasperation. "FINE!"   
He pushes past his uncle and pushes Stiles out of his path rolling the boy to the side with his foot, stalking to his closet and somewhere to find some peace and to wash up in an asshole free zone.  
\------

"How did you manage to find me anyway?" Derek asks walking back into the open area freshly washed and clothed and less inclined to fly into a murderous rage. Stiles looks up from where he's tapping away on his phone and nods at his new attire approvingly.  
"I know you’ve got my phone tracked, but it died just after I got your number off it."   
Stiles acts at mock offense " You don't have my number memorised?! here I thought we were more than that!" He sniggers at Dereks unimpressed face then grins sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck." Well, " he replies" I managed to ping your phone before it died but that was only to like a 20 mile radius. I had to enlist help to triangulate the other guys phone especially with such shitty service. You owe Danny a favour man. Hey why didn't you just sniff you way out? You know wolf man style."  
Derek flushes and mutters something about complications before he looks incredulous and points to himself . “ I owe him a favour. ME. Not you who actively seeked his help.”

Stiles pouts and pokes Derek in his firm chest. “Yes YOU.” He says mockingly ." I asked him to help me find you because you asked for help in being found. So you owe us.”

“ Now I owe both of you!” Derek's mouth drops in disbelief.

Stiles crosses his arms and puts his nose in the air.“ Yes both of us.” He says evenly.

Derek groans rubbing a hand over his face. Perfect, the first time he’d met Danny the "favour" for helping him had been a very reluctant, forced strip show.

“ Well,” Derek says slowly “ I already stripped for you today , so I guess I just owe Danny .”

Stiles gapes but recovers quickly “ Well technically you stripped for everyone yesterday so..one show of abs doesn’t count. I’m going to need something a bit more than that.”

“ The strip show has been burned from my memory and precedes the point in time where favours are being negotiated. One show of abs for you.”  
Stiles frowns. “ Four.”  
Derek grins “ three.”  
The grin Stiles gives him as he reaches out a hand is dazzling “ We have an accord.”The teen says cheerfully as they shake hands on the agreement. Derek goes to lift up his shirt but Stiles quickly shields his eyes. 

“Not now!” He exclaims “I want to savour it.

Derek rolls his eyes but smiles.

“Ugh god, just copulate already. This is getting nauseating.” Peter drawls from the corner giving the pair a disgusted look from over his book.  
Derek flushes in embarrassment having forgotten he was there but Stiles just laughs.  
“ Jealous are we?” He says smirking

Peter gives a predatory grin and raises his own shirt lazily as he nonchalantly feigns returning to reading. Stiles gapes at him and shakes his head dazed.   
“Hey” He exclaims to get the man’s attention. Peter raises a brow and drops his shirt expectantly “…Fuck you.” Stiles finishes lamely.  
Derek and Peter break down into fits of laughter while Stiles scowls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I havent written the next chapter yet but have ideas so it will eventually be forthcoming. Thank you for reading you fabulous mofos.  
> Crash xx


	7. Deep V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theres a conspicuously excessive amount of glitter going on and Alec is getting suspicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo you glorious mother bitches. Thank you for reading as alwaays. This here is a little Malec chapter and I hope you enjoy it.   
> x

Alec eyes his boyfriend suspiciously as he yet again spends an inordinate amount of time in front of their bathroom mirror.   
"You're wearing more glitter than usual." He comments with narrowed eyes as he inspects long lithe form from across the room. Magnus smirks at his reflection and purposefully coats another layer of turquoise glitter onto his purple eyelids.  
"Am I?" He says feigning innocence as he batts his lashes.   
Alec pulls a face and leans broodily against the bathroom entrance crossing his arms. "What's going on?"   
Magnus' s coy smile quickly turns devilish as he leans into the mirror to apply his mascara(those lash lengthening glamours always make him look like a drag queen , the good old fashioned way it is.)

"Why does my conspicuously liberal application of glitter have to be an indication of anything? I could just be feeling particularly fabulous today." 

Alec's face sours again in suspicion; he decides against commenting and huffs as he turns with Magnus's tinkling laughter following him out the door. He trudges away to their room, deliberately making his footfalls heavy because he knows how much it irritates his beau. His suspicions turn out to be well founded as he finds an outfit folded on the bed obviously meant for him; Magnus has maintained he cannot dress himself and has commandeered all rights for, all of eternity in managing THEIR collective wardrobe. He eyes the neat bundle with distrust and pokes at the material..The lack of velvet and sequins at least is comforting.

"I hate you," Alec grumbles loud enough that Magnus could hear him if he’s eavesdropping. The dark haired teen pouts sullenly as he resigns himself to his fate by sitting on their bed. He unfolds the outfit to ensure he's displaying the appropriate amount of disdain. He fears he might be overreacting until he spots the ridiculously plunging neckline of the black shirt his flamboyant nightmare of a boyfriend has picked. 

Magnus flounces into the room.  
"You love me !" He argues winking to Alec as he approaches the walk in wardrobe : "walk in "obviously by Magnus's standards means an elderly group could walk through it, possibly get lost and proclaim they've had their exercise for the week, Alec just had to look at it to be exhausted. 

Alec's sighs loudly as he holds up the shirt in front of him. Magnus purses his lips as he whirls to face him in a flash of satin kimono. As always Alec flushes slightly at the sight of his boyfriend’s bare olive chest especially with those nipple rings and ridiculous low slung satin dressing pants. I mean who wears pants solely designed for the purpose of being worn in the intervals between changing outfits.

"That, is a beautiful shirt, and you call me a drama queen." 

"You are a drama queen." Alec retorts matter'o'factly, his eyes lifting momentarily from the pornographic shirt in front of him to grin cheekily at his boyfriend.

Magnus just grins back and shrugs. " A spade's a spade and a queen is fabulous darling" he says as he approaches Alec to poke him in the chest. 

He lifts the shirt to inspect for himself, nodding at it approvingly before chucking it at the brooding teens face. Alec rolls his eyes and snatches it deftly out of the air. Magnus pokes his tongue out at him in response. 

"From what I've observed they're basically uniform around here, that and deliciously sinful denim jeans and leather. Too bad they have a have penchant for morose hues there was an amazing fuschia leather jacket you would’ve looked fantastic in”  
Alec chokes at that and thanks the angel that while Magnus has no use for the common constraints of things like dignity, he understands that Alec still needs to make a good impression on his new “peers”.

Magnus looks over his shoulder at Alec as he inspects a leather studded vest.  
“You want your new friends to respect you right?" 

Alec rolls his blue eyes in a spectacular way, friends? He guesses they could be friends eventually. Stranger things have happened than him befriending a bunch of down worlders I mean he’s dating an immortal half demon with cats eyes who hates wearing pants and has an overwhelming amount of sequins.   
"Right. Because fitting in is what we aim for? "he says snorting, purposefully eyeing the aqua disco pants Magnus is holding against himself. 

"I said respect but hey either way you're wearing the v-neck." Alec groans and flops backwards onto the orange comforter. The action dislodges a very unimpressed and still violently pink chairman meow. 

"Next you'll want me to wear skinny jeans for the sake of coalescence." He jokes looking at the swirling clouds through their skylight...since when did they have a skylight? He registers Magnus’s silence and bolts upright. "You didn't!" He scrambles at the jeans on the bed and indeed finds them to be a pair of grey skinny jeans. "Magnus!"

"Would it help if I bought them not for the sake of your credibility but rather because I thought that they would make your ass look damn fine?" Alec maintains his unimpressed grumpy face of broodiness. "No? Yeah, I thought not. You're still wearing them though, I really don't understand why you put up a fight. Do you want me to freeze you again and dress you like a mannequin? Because even I found that weird and I once threw hamsters at someone while riding a magic carpet."

Alec snorts and resumes his position of lying back on the bed in defeat. He dramatically throws an arm over his eyes and mutters about breaches of personal space, violations, and impeachments on moral code. He bolts upright again eyes wide. 

Magnus tuts at him but doesn’t bother to turn and face him. “ You’ll get whiplash if you keep doing that.”

“Wait! Why are you inflicting skinny jeans on me and aqua disco pants on the world?!”

Magnus side eyes him, his cats eyes glinting with mischief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heh heh heh  
>  Poor Alec he's only just recovering from his latest foray into socialising, granted it was yesterday.  
> Let me know what you think.  
> you're all pretty rad.  
> Crash x.

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAaand you made it to the end of my short little convoluted story hit me up with some love if you enjoyed it . also apologies for the punctuation etc. It was v. early in the am.
> 
> xo lovelies


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